Rug Munchers and Other Mythical Beasts

As a former student of Linguistics, I fail to understand the semantic link between ‘this is my girlfriend’ and ‘I very dearly want you to fuck me with your manly penis’.

No seriously, I don’t get it.

I have been in a lesbian relationship for over a year now, and I am beginning to sympathise with the Angry Lesbian stereotype. Not because, in addition to requiring low slung jeans and banded underwear, I am genetically programmed to simply BRIM with angst, but because:

+ Unless I take specific care to be in a gay bar at the time, men interpret my dancing with my girlfriend as an invitation for sex.
+ If I introduce my girlfriend to a straight man whom I have recently met, they interpret that as an invitation for sex.
+ If I tell a man that I am unavailable due to my being a committed relationship with a woman they INTERPRET THAT AS AN INVITATION FOR SEX.

I would argue (perhaps radically) that a vast majority of general populace do not in fact, believe, in lesbians.
Hear me out.

I recently attended a university club event with my girlfriend and several other friends. We had several (read: all of the) drinks and were enjoying ourselves immensely. We were also on a boat, which is necessarily a good time.
During the last hour or so of the event, I made friends with a few young men on the dancefloor. I learned their names, I told them a bit about myself, I danced embarrassingly and they danced embarrassingly. Then my girlfriend approached, and I introduced her to my new friends.
They looked surprised, then disbelieving, then interested. We had drunk dancing fun together, and when the event finished we convinced them to attend our favourite trashy gay bar with us, instead of the official after-party.
On the way to said after-party, my girlfriend got into a cab with these boys and I followed separately. I was several minutes behind, and when I finally managed to track down my girlfriend (she had left her phone in my coat pocket), she was in tears.
Upon arrival at the bar, the boys had become irritable at my absence, and had admitted that they had only come with us in order to ‘watch you make out’. When I failed to turn up on time, they stormed off, asserting that we had ‘ruined their night’.

After years of making out with women in public (well, in venues) I have a hundred of these stories to tell.
It gets a little…tiresome.

That covers my interactions with the majority of  straight men with whom I do not have a prior acquaintance.

Maybe I’ll start carrying laminated copies.

I attended the birthday of a woman with whom I have been friends for many years. We boarded together at high school and became a member of each other’s families.
He family was at the party; I spoke with them all and introduced them to my girlfriend for the first time.

Two weeks later  when I was meeting my friend for A Nice Glass of Wine, she said to me (slightly shocked and moderately offended):
‘You’ll never guess what Dad said after meeting your girlfriend!’
I said: ‘I bet I will. But she’s too pretty to be a lesbian’

I probably don’t need to unpack this statement (which I have heard a great many more times than once) for people who read this blog, but I will anyway.
‘But she’s too pretty to be a lesbian’ = ‘But you are attractive, so you must be able to get guys to fuck you. It’s only women who are too ugly/aggressive/fat/etc to get men who need to resort to lesbians.’

On the one hand, I experience men who absolutely can not conceive that two women might sexually interested in each other for any other reason than to attract or enhance the pleasure of men. I have tried to convince them. I have been firm, angry, polite, charming, and even borderline violent (of which I am not proud). I have spent literally hours trying to cheerfully explain my own experience to men, before realising that they were just glazing over until such a time as they deemed appropriate to cut me off and deliver their own personal reflections.

So I have decided that for most people, Lesbians are less a concrete reality, and more an abstract concept with which they can account for the failings of women and/or their failings with women where applicable.

I would really appreciate any handy tips for deflecting such attentions in the future, for I fear that the next time it happens I may headbutt someone.



7 thoughts on “Rug Munchers and Other Mythical Beasts

  1. It’s an amazing aspect of the male ego that some men cannot comprehend a woman being satisfied in life without a man.

    I’ve even had a well-educated and in general very sensible friend confide in me that he didn’t believe in lesbians. As if we were discussing UFOs or telepathy.

    I’m not sure this is the greatest handy tip ever, (as a guy myself, I obviously don’t have experience on this) but maybe the two-tier question:
    If you were a woman, would you be a lesbian?
    (Drooling male): Yeaaaah!
    And would you have lots of threesomes with guys? Would you (explicit example of your choice)?

    Nope? Me neither.

    1. That’s it though, isn’t it lacunamalachi – I want to be able to just write off a certain sub-set of dim-witted douchebags with too much machismo and a tendency to use their cock for thought-processing.

      Let’s pretend that I could avoid all of them (which I sure as hell attempt, whilst resenting the necessity of my having to police my own behaviour to avoid harassment). That still doesn’t answer the problem of what to do with the otherwise delightful, intelligent, amiable dudes, many of whom I think could be my friends, if I were straight. And didn’t have any lesbian friends. And didn’t talk about lesbians.
      Some of them are already my friends (like the aforementioned Dad of Friend) and know me well. And still!!

    2. good suggestion!

      so, yeah. some people are tools. I wonder how we bisexuals are ever going to be accepted if lesbians aren’t even accepted as a real thing. I mean, you could isolate a gene, I guess, but then people are going to demand a cure or something, or just deny it outright (see: climate change).

      the problem is, I think, some men have been conditioned to believe that they are entitled to sex with whomever they like. most lesbian porn is made for the enjoyment of dudes (as you know I have written about). Unless you LOOK like someone they don’t want to fuck, fighting off their objectification of you is going to be pretty damned difficult.

  2. I should probably point out at this point that I do have a number of lovely man-friends who seem pretty committed to the idea of lesbians as fact. The above certainly doesn’t refer to all men ever.

  3. For a straight man to take the stance you have described (something I have also witnessed and experienced) requires an extraordinary lack of empathy. I mean, they’re attracted to women and so are you. All they have to do is understand that you experience the SAME attraction they do. If they can’t even do that, I despair of them ever being able to understand and accept gay men.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s