Pearls, Pinatas and Gotham City between your thies.

Sometimes I shop compulsively to make myself feel better. Mostly I do it online. Not infrequently, I will spend actual hours of my life browsing etsy, ebay and various other institutions of goodness, make twenty or thirty bookmarks and buy nothing.
And it does make me feel better.

I could probably write a thousand words fairly comfortably about the seamless integration of consumerism into the daily activities of our lives, the veritable avalanche of advertising that constantly immerses individuals living in wealthy western countries, the dire repercussions of all of the above (not least the commodification of human bodies).

But instead, here is a list of lady-parts themed jewelryand accessories:

This pendant is awkwardly named Pink Taco by the vendor. I enjoy it’s subtlety, but would enjoy it more if it were named Pearls of Wisdom. Beacuse puns are for winners.

Vagina Dentata: Latin for the Toothed Vagina. Used in many a folk tale to dissuade young lad from devious sluttery. Also widely accepted as a symbol for men’s fear of castration during intercourse. Subject of an incredibly awkard horror-comedy called Teeth. Or, your new, awesome necklace. I really want one of these mounted on my wall in it’s little coffin (IT COMES IN A COFFIN), and I salute the lady who would wear this in public.

Is it a tulip? Is it a semi-melted bell? No! It’s a solid silver vulva, just for you.

Less subtle. But still awesome.

I feel that a $23,000, 18k gold vulva inset with yellow sapphires, diamonds and a big ol’ garnet is an appropriate gift for next mother’s day. It says: I am very rich, and I love you for stretching your vagina to a frankly ridiculous amount in order to bring me into this world. Here is a new one.

No one who hasn’t stuck there face in one with the lights on will ever know.

I feel this ring is the perfect amount of ‘that’s a cool ring, it looks sort of like….um, is that meant to be…oh.’

A belt buckle! It’s a generous lady who wears the vulva belt buckle. One on the inside for me, one on the outside for everyone else!

I must admit I am a little bit obsessed with this store. All the of the vegan lip balms come in these charming tins with explicit body parts on them, and they have special items for members of ‘The Order of the Clitorati’.

Yes! Yes you are looking at BATMAN PADS! Ok, so they don’t have the actual batman logo on them, who cares when YOU HAVE GOTHAM CITY BETWEEN YOUR THIES. I actually don’t know how I feel about re-usable menstrual products. I like that they are recyclable, and economical and come in amazing patterns. I enjoy that the philosophy of people who sell them is interested in dismantling the negative stigma surrounding the whole menstrual process. These are good things all. What I don’t understand is what you are supposed to do with the used pad when you cannot immediately wash it in the comfort and privacy of your own home. Same goes for the Moon Cup. Am I missing something?

House of Chicks. They make giant (and miniature) vulva plushies. They are allegedly puppets, but I don’t understand how that works so I call them plushies. Their website address bar reads ‘Vulva University’, which makes me happy.

As the vendor so eloquently explains: ‘Because every now and again you have a period that deserves a freaking fiesta.’
Perhaps you have just had your first period, perhaps you have just had extreme uterine surgery and have officially entered your recovery phase. Perhaps you are menopausal and will never have another period again! Celebrate by attacking this pretty pink uterus with big sticks and then enjoy the Hershey’s Kisses, Bliss dark chocolates and Kotex colourful tampons inside!


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